My heart is racing the whole ride there. Short. Only 6 minutes maybe. I go to the door, my brow furrowed... "What is going on?" I scream inside my head. I knock quietly, with trepidation. He answers, beautiful as ever, looks at me with a look of what seems like disgust I will never forget and just turns back into the house, leaving the door open. Surprised and confused, I walk in to the large foyer. He sits down at the dining table. I slowly approach and take a seat.
"What's going on?", I ask, completely terrified at this point.
And then he starts. His words are soft but harsh. He said I didn't do anything. He said a lot of things I don't want to repeat.
The end is still the same.
Over.
Over.
Over.
I get up slowly. Walk out the door. Stand there for at least two minutes. Get in my car. Drive away. I make it home somehow.
And then it hits me.
It's over. Forever.
Seven years ago, the only person I've ever loved didn't want to try to love me anymore.
Six years ago on the day, I was feeling down, still acting foolishly grieved. I decided I needed a distraction and found and brought home my little cat, Angie. What a gift and blessing she has been.
I'm over it. Really. Honestly. I've grieved, obsessed, embarrassed myself, worked through and moved on. It seems like 100 years ago. And thankfully, God is merciful, wonderful, beautiful, forgiving and miraculous. What changes He has made in my life! What things are still to come for his. God is extravagant in ways I've not yet seen.
Sometimes it's not always bad to remember. Remember how things were, how I've changed, how I'm hardly the same person anymore. Remember how it felt to be so completely, unabashedly passionate for someone. Remember how it felt to be a queen. Remember how God's perfect plan for everyone sometimes requires pain and suffering. Remember how God is my Strongtower, and his, even if he doesn't know it yet. Remember how both of us have been saved, just in different ways.
"How did I love you?
There was no measuring
Far above this dirty world
Far above everything
In your tower over it
You were clean
So warm and insightful
Were you in my eyes
I
was sure the rightful
Guardian of my life..."
