Responsibility Anyone?

It takes two people to create a pattern
by Christie Lee Rayburn

When it comes to America, it is very easy for Americans to blame our President, our House, our Senate, or other government leaders when things go wrong with the nation. When it comes to our legal system, we find it easy to blame our courts, our prisons, our lawyers, or our police. When it comes to our relationships, it’s even easier to blame our parents, our past hurts, or our bad experiences. And when it comes to marriage, it’s very easy to blame our spouse.

Today that is what I seem to hear everywhere around me -- blame! Everything in everyone's life seems to always be someone else’s fault.

So, here’s the million dollar relationship question, “When will you ever be the one who is to blame?”

Will anything ever be your fault?

Will you ever take full responsibility for your part of the equation, your part of the problem? Or will you spend the rest of your life treating others the way you do and blaming it on someone else?

I believe taking full responsibility for our behavior and our choices is part of growing up. Any immature or hurting person can blame people and blame their past. Some can even blame the weather. Only a healthy and mature person can look in the mirror and ….

(1) Ask yourself what part of this issue is my fault?
(2) Admit to the other person(s) involved my part and how it was wrong.
(3) Ask for forgiveness & express your desire not to repeat your behavior in the future.

I am not talking about taking false blame or copping to “of course it’s my fault, everything is my fault.” How mature is that? Nobody can handle being around someone who apologizes for everything to the point that their entire existence is a walking apology.

Instead I am challenging you to look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself, “What part do I play in this given situation?”

I remember an Oprah episode that had Harville Hendrix on it as her guest. He said something that I have never forgotten and have often repeated -- “It takes two people to create a pattern.” He went on to give examples pointing out that accepting behavior, choosing to be silent and say nothing, or unspoken expectations are all critical components to a pattern. I repeat, “It always takes two people to create a pattern.” Your question may always be: “What part am I playing in this pattern?” We need solutions not excuses.

When it comes to my own problems, I could blame the way I didn’t trust people on my past.

Or I could blame the way I wouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable to a particular person.

Or I could blame my disillusionment with commitment on the rampant divorce in my family.

I could go on and on with The Blame Game – but the truth is – I have a choice and I always had a choice. I can remain immature in my approach to life and relationships or I can grow up and choose the kind of person I want to be. Who I am today is nobody's fault by mine.

So I better take responsibility for who I am and how I behave. Are you willing to look in the mirror? Are you taking responsibility for yourself? Is 2011 going to be year of growing up for you too?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t ever want to stop growing up. I’d love to hear how you take responsibility for yourself in life. Or I’d love to hear how you deal with someone close to you who blames everything on everybody else. Somebody who just doesn't get that “personal responsibility” starts within the person.

"Used with permission of author and speaker Christie Lee Rayburn: www.christieleerayburn.com. Copyright © 2011. All rights reserved."

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