Good Manners: Training a Generation of Respectful Kids

By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos

Thirty years ago, good manners and respectful attitudes were the norm. Kids were, by and large, polite to their elders, and what passed for rebellion would be considered fairly mild by today's standards.

Over time though, there has been a slow erosion. Being cool has always been associated with a sort of edginess and non-conformity, and each generation takes it a little further in that direction. That's brought us to a situation today where the lack of respect that many kids show their parents, their teachers and one another is astounding and often disturbing.

Rude, disrespectful kids grow to become defiant, often delinquent teenagers. No one wants that, but by the time you reach that stage, it's too late. That's why, when it comes to comes to kids and manners, there has got to be a turn around.
A Foundation of Respect

At its root, the principle of good manners is really about showing respect for people and property. Think about it: whether it's schoolyard bullying, trash talk between kids, vandalism or talking back to parents and teachers, it all comes down to a basic lack of respect.

There needs to be a serious effort on the part of all parents to turn this around so kids learn to have respect for one another, for authority and for other people's property. These things are essential to the healthy functioning of not only a family, but a society. Simple things like saying please and thank you may seem like they're not a big deal, but they reveal the attitudes of the heart. We want our kids to have hearts of gratitude and concern for others, not dispositions of selfishness and entitlement. That's where the problems begin.
Set the Tone Early

It is so important for parents to correct young children when they behave disrespectfully. Whether it's the two or three year-old fighting with his brother or sister, the four-year old stealing their siblings' toys or the six year-old giving you lip, those kinds of behaviours need to be corrected early while the kid is still in a listening mode. If you let it slide when they're young, good luck reining them back when they hit the teen years.

What kids learn early on in the home brings all kinds of benefits. If they start school with a right attitude and good manners, the teachers are going to love them because it's so rare. They're going to be less of a problem in the classroom and more likely to excel in their work. They're also much less likely to get caught up in the negativity that goes on at school, be it bullying, vandalism or cheating, because they've got that foundational respect. It sets them up for a better, happier, more productive life… and it all starts in those first few years at home.
Needed: Role Models

There is much bemoaning of the fact that there are few good role models left in Hollywood and the sports world. No doubt, it would be a tremendous help if more celebrities modeled the kind of values we want our kids to grab on to. But the bottom line is, the ultimate responsibility for modeling respect to your kids doesn't belong to Britney Spears or Barry Bonds; it belongs to you.

Before you can teach respect, you have to model it. Yes, our kids look up to people they see on TV and there's a lot of influence there, but the fact is, kids glean their primary values, including good manners, from Mom and Dad.

Studies have repeatedly shown that the majority of a child's character development occurs from birth to age ten - with most of it coming in the first five years of life. That's well before most kids get into hero worship mode. If you've prepared them well, they won't generally be swayed by the bad behaviour of people in the spotlight.

That's why it is so critical for parents to model what they want their kids to become. Values are caught more than taught. That means that you need to show them how to treat people right, even when they aren't reciprocating. Don't tell racial jokes or use biting sarcasm. Respect the rules at work, and the laws of your country. If your kids see you bending rules and taking shortcuts whenever it suits you, what message do you think they are going to pick up?

The slide can stop with you. Resist the urge to throw up your hands in resignation, and believe that your kids can be different. Set the bar high and live the life you want for your children: a life of respect that will be a blessing to everyone who comes into contact with them.

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