While there are many ways these wounds manifest themselves, five are most common.
1. Shame: feeling flawed, defective, unlovable, or worthless
2. Fear: afraid of abandonment, failure or rejection
3. Trust: either having too much and being repeatedly betrayed and hurt; or too little and living in anxiety, suspicion and isolation
4. Denial: lack of awareness, minimizing issues
5. Alienation: Isolating oneself, feeling alone, difficulty bonding with others
Emotional wounds impair family’s ability to have successful relationships. Bonding with a stepchild, for example, can be difficult, if not impossible unless wounds are addressed and resolved. The struggles a family faces are caused by emotional wounds in each adult and child.
The realities of woundedness
Emotionally wounded adults pass their woundedness on to their children by modeling unhealthy ways of coping with life. Wounded parents have difficulty setting healthy boundaries or providing consistent discipline. Due to guilt or pain, they may be over-indulgent, or over-react in anger. They will often attempt to discredit and malign a former spouse to ease their own pain or because they need their children’s approval. Wounded parents give double-bind messages to their children. “I love you, now go away.” “I’m not angry.” (with clenched fist and red face). “Always tell the truth, but like to whomever is on the phone.” “Of course I’m interested in…” (as they leave the room or busy themselves). Incidentally, most adults deny they do this.
Wounded former spouses are unable to put the needs of their children above their own. Instead they use the children to strike out at each other or to get their own needs met. Deficient at effective communication or problem solving, they rely instead on arguing, pouting, threats, manipulation, coercion, overindulgence, anger or violence to win and control.
Wounded partners trigger one another and have difficulty tolerating the other’s flaws. Instead they make unreasonable demands or blame one another for any problems. They harm each other and yet are unaware of the impact of their behavior. Blind-spots are common in areas of woundedness.
Wounded stepparents have difficulty being patient and allowing their role to evolve. Their own pain and insecurity pushes them into control or power or isolation. They operate with unrealistic expectations of themselves, their spouse and their stepchildren, which inevitably create loyalty conflicts and power struggles.
Wounded children have difficulty bridging the gaps between their parents. They become sad and isolate or they act out and rebel. Either way, they have difficulty adjusting to a new stepfamily. The illustrations are endless.
What do emotional wounds look like?
• Invisible scars caused by harmful life events; most woundedness is out of awareness
• Adaptive forms of self-protection each individual develops to cope and survive
•Toxic events of life cause these defenses to develop
•The younger a person or more obtrusive the event, greater the need for defense and the more resistant to change
•Defenses become a person’s defining characteristics
• Wounds become life-guides; drive the choice of partners, careers, or friends
• Wounded people feel “stuck” in a revolving door of poor decisions, unwanted emotions and situations over which they feel they have no control
• The feelings are very powerful; the behavioral reactions are almost reflexive
• Examples include guilt, fear, shame, perfectionism, control and addictions
Five Myths about Wounds
•My life has to be organized around my wound experiences. It defines who I am.
•Without my wound, I'd be all alone. I need my wounds to get attention or be noticed or to be okay.
•My awful and painful life means that I am sick—and therefore, not responsible.
• All emotional problems are the result of traumatic experiences. To get better, I must uncover the root.
• Some awful, horribly damaging experience must be buried deep in my unconscious. If I don't know the cause for certain, I can't get better.
• I am a prisoner by my wounds. I can't change. My situation is hopeless. Why try if changing is impossible?
Where do emotional wounds originate?
• Dysfunctional, non-nurturing families
• Abuse—physical, sexual and/or emotional
• Prior unhealthy or unsuccessful relationships
• Childhood events
• Generational issues
The impact on families
Past events can impact people in several important ways. Some will have an “emotional blind-spot,” and be extremely self-protective and sensitive in their area of hurt. There will be a strong tendency to recreate past patterns of dysfunction in their current family. This tendency allows them to create a personal “comfort zone.” Many of the dysfunctional traits outlined above will manifest themselves in a new relationship, but with no awareness; dysfunction often feels normal. That is, the tendency to self-protect and create a comfort zone is unintentional and out of awareness. Finally, there will be emotional numbness. Abusive or dysfunctional environments can render family members oblivious to their impact. Aspects of a person’s past can be re-created to replicate “normalcy.” Emotional wounds seldom become evident until they create pain, particularly relationship pain. This process and how it affects families is outlined below.
Family members:
• experience deep hurt, pain, fear or anger.
• blame someone else (seldom yourself) for their problems.
• are unable to separate out stepfamily and family issues.
• have difficulty keeping the needs of their children distinct from the needs of your marriage.
• send double-bind messages and shame their spouse, children or stepchildren and not be aware of it.
• malign former spouses, secretly hoping the children will side with them.
• seek to self-protect your fragile ego at the expense of others.
• become angry with their spouse for raising tough issues, blaming him or her for creating the problem.
• blame their stepchildren for difficulties they raise while adjusting to the stepfamily.
Denial and lack of awareness, plus the energy it takes to self-protect and deal with inner struggles can render stepcouples emotionally unavailable to their children or to one another. Wounded adults do not know their own, their spouse’s or their children’s deep emotional and spiritual needs nor do they know how to meet them.
Consequences of emotional and spiritual wounding
• Spiritual struggles are common
• Attracted to the wounds in another
• Woundedness passed on to children
• Difficulty responding to the needs of a partner
• Poor problem solving and decision making
• Pick partners that reflect aspects of their parents
• Lifetime of unmet needs
• Self-sabotaging core beliefs and expectations
• History of unhealthy relationships
• Self-absorption
• Isolation
• Seldom at peace
Suggestions to begin the healing process
1. Accept that you are wounded; acknowledge the possibility of denial.
2. Develop a loving and supportive community.
3. Ask those close to you to help you identify your area(s) of woundedness.
4. Improve the level of your self-care.
5. Strengthen your boundaries.
6. Acknowledge your woundedness to a trusted other.
7. Address your fear, guilt, shame or anger.
8. Allow yourself to grieve—take as much time as you need.
9. Work on forgiveness—start by forgiving yourself; forgiveness is a process.
10. Develop healthy relationship and parenting skills.
11. Work to resolve your past.
12. Strengthen your relationship with God—see yourself as a loved, redeemed, worthy child of God. God reminds us that His Spirit ministers to us in our weakness (Romans 8:26).
13. Join a life group or support group.
14. Seek the help of a pastor or counselor. |
