Single Parent FamilyLife - A grip on grief How to help children cope with loss

A Child's Heart to FIX Things
By Moe and Paige Becnel

Children see things differently than parents do. In a physical sense, Paige often tells of how our children are grown, so our home is no longer “child-proof.” As a result, when our three young grandchildren are coming over we assess our home for their visit. Paige will get on her knees and view the room to see what our grandchildren might see, and remove those things that can hurt them or that they can break.

A Child’s Awareness

In a perceptive sense, children are also aware of “their” world – more than we realize, and more than we hope. Let us share this recent story. Brandon and Jenny, a great couple in our church, recently went through a difficult time. Brandon got hurt, had to have two surgeries, and missed three weeks of work. He had insurance, but no sick-leave, so he lost three week’s salary.

Jenny has two sons who lives with them, and who Brandon claims as his own. Their oldest, Blake, (7 years old) overheard his Mom and “Dad” talking about how tight the household finances were. Blake tells (told) his Mom that he wants (wanted) to help the family, so he paints (painted) a picture entitled, Tornado Mixer, and with Brandon’s help (he put) puts it on eBay for auction.

We (the Becnel’s) were the winning bidders for this “priceless” work of art. Of course, his parents did not take “his” money.

We see three interesting points in Blake’s story:

1. Blake is keenly aware of the family problem,
2. That Blake wants to be a part of fixing the problem,
3. And the picture he paints is a tornado. This may symbolize how he is seeing his family during at that time.

The message is that your children are aware of a problem in your home, or in their life. Children may feel responsible for the problem, and may likely try to fix them.

The Parent Trap

You are probably familiar with “The Parent Trap” movies. A couple gets divorced, and their children try to get Mom and Dad back together AT ANY COST. Hollywood makes it cute and funny, but the reality is that there are children who attempt to FIX “their” world – even after Mom and / or Dad are remarried. The day you fulfilled your dream to remarry, was likely the day your child’s dream (to see Mom and Dad back together) died. Parents cannot allow their children to undermine their new marriage covenant. The Bible warns us that “what God has joined together, let no man separate.” This includes our children.

Stand firm for your marriage. Support your spouse first, and foremost.

Your children may not understand this now, but they do not need to experience another divorce. They need to experience a family in which the husband and wife are in Covenant, and in harmony with each other.

Helping Your Child

As described above, your child wanting to fix things can be good and bad, depending on the issue.

• If the situation involves something they can accomplish to help your new family, give them the open door to help.
• If they are trying to “fix” their world to the detriment of your new family, you must intervene.

Just like you, your child may need help in letting go of old dreams, and establishing new dreams. You need to be a part of that process, because they cannot process that on their own. How can you help?

1. Ask your child what their dreams are. Get to know what is inside their heart.

2. Apologize to them for any undeserved hurts they have experienced.

3. Ask them what they would like to change in their life, or in your family - if they could.

4. Help them to let go of unrealistic dreams. (They may need to hear from their natural parent that their dream(s) is not realistic.)

5. Be the catalyst that helps your child develop new dreams.

6. Make sure your child does not feel responsible for the circumstances in their life. Reassure them, and your love for them.

7. As in Blake’s case, let the child help solve family issues if they want to, but let them know they do not have to. (It is not their responsibility.) Allowing the child to help will make the child feel a vital part of, and important to the family.

Psalms 127: 3 says, “Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from HIM."

All of the children in your life are a reward from God. God has given you a second chance with another marriage. He may have given you additional children with that marriage.

Do not discount your second chance by discounting the new children in your life!